There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
