I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
