party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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