Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
