Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
