We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
