im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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