Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
