break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
