I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
