I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
