I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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