Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
