I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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