I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
