ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
