You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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