You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
