Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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