Cold hands, warm shart.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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