"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you didnt know i had herpes?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
