I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize