i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Barsexuality is the new black.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
