i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
