God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
