My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
