Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
