A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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