I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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