so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
