my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
