Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
