We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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