I met the friendliest cop last night
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
