True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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