I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
