you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
