I accidentally had phone sex last night
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
