god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize