I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
