Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
