There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
