Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
