i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
