It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
