The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
