I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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