Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Is it because I queefed?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
