oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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