His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
