ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize