It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
