For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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