How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
