They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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