Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
