I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The best revenge is premature balding
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
