I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
